I can't seem to keep a plan for very long. I suppose part of this "learning about me" experience should include reading my old posts. If I'd do that more often I would realize that planning is not my best ability. As true as I know that is about me, I really do love to plan. I do. Really! I also, however, cherish my freedom to change that plan at a moments notice. That's one thing I have absolutely learned about myself over the last months.
Keeping the freedom to change my plans is one of those "third-rail" thing for me. I can put up with most other things and I try hard to understand and keep others in mind when I make decisions but I can't tolerate non-acceptance of my right to change. Sorry, that's who I am. Luckily I've been blessed with people in my life who, maybe don't like it, but accept it and take it with humor. I know it's frustrating for them but I hope that it's a sign of love to accept me for who I am.
So I'm running the full marathon in Tulsa tomorrow after weeks of planning for the half. I'm struggling with why. The surface level cause was peer pressure but it goes much deeper than that. I'm sure of this because as soon as I was put up to it something down deep let loose and it overwhelmed me with a nostalgic feeling. It wasn't that I was responding to the outside pressure as much as that pressure pricked a nerve that wouldn't shut up! I wanted to run the full, I just wasn't aware of it.
I'm not ready for the full but I've been there before. I want to run marathons again and I don't care! Earlier this year, before I came down with mono, I had lost the desire to run them even while I was running 1 per month. They had become a chore. I wanted to want to run them again but I couldn't find the desire. Now I have it back.
To deny that desire just because I had a plan seems silly to me. Maybe you'll disagree and see it as simply blowing with the breeze and that's your prerogative. I understand how silly I seem at times and, not only am I not ashamed of it, I have come to cherish it as a gift.
Thanks for listening