Saturday, March 23, 2013

New lives

Sometimes your life changes because you want it to change. Those changes come with some kind of relief if not happiness. Something hoped for happens and your life goes in a new direction. Those are good changes.
Sometimes though, your life changes because of things out of your control. You're going along with your life, probably working towards one of those hoped for things, and WHAM! You're hit with a change. You didn't ask for it. Usually didn't want it. Sometimes even prayed it would never happen. But it does happen. Your life changes and you can't stop it or make it go away or make it not happen.

I'd give my life to give my mom back the man she loved and for her to see those things they'd work for come to fruition. I really would. But I can't. And she won't. And it hurts. And it sucks. And it's unfair. And, and, and.

I've preached the gospel of facing fears and defeating inner demons on this blog but it has always been in regards to those things that I know are holding me back and that I know I can control. What about facing those that I can't control? Or allowing those that I care about to face their fears and demons? That's tougher. I can't stand the thought of my family suffering pain or dealing with sorrow. I work so hard to make sure it never happens to them and I'd give myself to take away their pain.

But is that best for them? Is it proper for me to keep them from their fears and demons while I know, for me, facing them is beneficial and soul building?

This may be the hardest thing I have to learn. I shouldn't wish I could give my life for my mom's happiness. It's not fair to her. It's a horrible, unfair, painful, sucky change that she has to face. I'm only allowed to be here for her and help her through it.

Thanks for listening

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Dealing with death

The man that I call my stepdad died yesterday. You would have liked him. He was one if those people that you wish everyone could be and he made it look easy. Niceness came naturally to him.

I'm more concerned with my mother, of course. They had many plans that are now never going to happen. He had just retired and she wasn't far behind. His death happened so fast I'm sure she's left lonely and empty. Death sucks for the living.

I handled the news as I handle most bad news. I ran. Then I ran again. Grieving isn't my strong suit. I'm a fixer of things and death is something I can't fix so it falls outside my expertise. Running and making jokes are how I deal with things I don't understand and can't fix.

I'll be headed back to Ohio soon for the services. I'll be running back in my old stomping ground with hills and memories. Always lots of fun.

According to my mom, When my stepdad died he was coughing and struggling in a painful state with his eyes closed. Then he was calm and peaceful and opened his eyes. He had a peaceful look on his face and was looking at the ceiling. Mom said it appeared as if he was looking at something that made him very happy. He then looked at her as if to say, "I wish you could see what I'm seeing!". And then he died.

My thoughts on death are a little weird but I've come to accept them now even if I don't fully understand them but mom's experience fit. I believe there is a God but not the God that American religion sells for profit. I believe the American Indian belief in the Everywhere Spirit was much closer to the true God. We are a part of the Earth and the Universe and our soul, if accepted by the spirit, remains a part of this world after we die. Maybe not on Earth and not in a human form but as a part of the eternal cycle of cosmos. This earthly body we inhabit is only one form of our being. 

I'm sad for so many reasons right now. It's part of living though and I know that. Barry has moved on and his soul is in a new place experiencing things I can't wait to see. We'll bind up the wounds of those left behind and move on in our own journey but it'll be different. Different doesn't have to be bad though.