Sunday, July 23, 2017

Wouldn't it

Wouldn't it be nice if someone or something could tell us we're going to regret what we're about to do?
Makes me understand the anguish that motivated poets and songwriters since the beginning of time.
One good psychic could have prevent it all. But then again what would we read?

Thanks for listening

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

This day many years ago

Little moments change the world. Ask a simple question and see how the world can change.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Supplication

The hardest thing to accept is something someone wants so badly to give you because it's unearned. I was taught, and I have learned through life lessons, that you must work for everything good or at the very least suffer for it. That is a truth that's proven in the history of every great person I admire.
It's also always been an admirable thing. People admire and appreciate those that work hard and refuse to accept handouts. Rugged individualism is the foundation of America and I've aspired to live up to that expectation.
I spent most of my earlier life pursuing the dream of achieving a career I really don't deserve given my birthplace and intelligence. I relished in the act of overachieving by working harder than most. It's what I was supposed to do and it gave me purpose. I achieved my goal and have a nice career to show for it.
Somewhere over the last few years, while I was working a job that I wanted so badly for so long, someone changed the rules of the game or maybe I switched games and brought the wrong skill set. Once the career is set what's left? Like so many middle aged fools before me I put my nose to a grindstone and drank the CoolAide that everything must be earned only to realize after so many years that the things I really want, the things that truly soothe my soul, can't be earned. They have to be accepted as gifts. I think I know now why some people become bitter in their old age. They're feet are cemented in a believe that self-reliance leads to happiness. Seeing, but refusing to accept, the things that bring the rainbow in their soul because they can't be earned and how can anything good be unearned, right?
It takes amazing courage to step out of old paradigms and truly follow your heart. It's scary as hell even though your heart is screaming MY GOD MAN! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW GREAT THIS IS? Head vs. Heart I suppose. It's that fear that makes it so rare for some to actually do it. It's also that fear that makes the reward so great when someone actually does leave the past behind and start a new way of thinking and living.

Thank for listening

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Today

Today is, and always will be, a great day.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Total Cliche

So really a marathon isn't about the destination. Hell, you usually end up right where you began so it has to be about the journey. And if you stop along the way because you're tired of the trip then you have failed. No matter how beautiful the sight or happy something makes you, you should always keep going. Actually looking for the hurt to continue because you know the reward is great at the end. There is no cliche ending in the real world. It's about the journey not the nice story that has a predictable ending.

Friday, January 27, 2017

The man I'll be

Someday has become an interesting concept for me. It lies out there beckoning but it never arrives. It just lies out there in the future happily taking on all my ideas, hopes, and dreams. But I never get, or have, to actually meet it.
All I've ever wanted, was to love you and somewhere deep inside me I still do. But it's time I stop believe that you're ever going to change. That man out in the future; that man who lives in someday is the man I love.
Someday I'll be the man I want to be
The man who is stable and dependable.
The man who sets goals and achieves them.
The man who desires more the love of small things than love as a thing.
Someday I'll travel the world by myself and write my stories.
Someday I'll maintain a stable emotional state and stop the roller coaster in my mind.
The man I will be is amazing! Perfect in every way that matters to everyone in my life that matters.
I took her by the arm and said don't leave me. Just give me time I'll be the man you've needed.
The time remaining to do this is running short. The runway ahead is growing short and the space behind is long and littered with debris from the man I don't want to be.
If you wait around awhile I'll make you fall for me.
That man who lives out there, the foreshadow of who I am today, will give you exactly what you need. He can sweep you off your feet with his words. He is charming and endearing. He will walk the world for you and never miss a step. He seeks challenges and methodically beats them down until the mountain they appeared to be is nothing but a molehill. He lives just beyond my reach and I've only touched him during a few momentary affairs when I was broken and off track and had nothing and nowhere to go. I lived those moments like real life dreams. I floated over this life and become the things I wanted to be because the chains of fear, anxiety, responsibility, had been broken if for only a moment. Eventually I woke from the dream and put my chains on again though. Feeling guilty for having taken them off. During those times I was that man. I was someday.
Thanks for listening

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

A thought

When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves. – Viktor E. Frankl

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Wind, trees, change

Things do not change; we change. Thoreau.

Standing in the woods today as the wind blew strong against the trees, some alive and some already dead but still pushing back against each blow, I couldn't help but think how our brains, or at least mine, are afloat on a wind of thoughts that blow in both good and horrible thoughts. I supposed the great question for today was whether to let ourselves go where that mental wind blows or to stand strong against the gale and remain firm in our position like the trees. 
The past is firmly fixed like the trees. Memories are there. Unchangeable in fact. Miles run are miles in the book. Yes, it can wear with time and become blurry, but in the truest terms of fact, what happened is written in time. My brain sometimes blows against them and tries to move good ones into painful ones and painful ones into obscurity and I suppose that's similar to living trees that provide shade and protection and the dead trees that only take up space and provide nothing of value. 

The future, or our plans, are by nature unfixed. We see our goals ahead of us and we chase them with a passion built in the present. But when we catch them we are sometimes not who we were when we began the chase and the goal ahead becomes fluid. So no matter how solidly we paint the picture of the future it can never be anything but unknown. And that can be scary if we let our minds blow that way. 

I have intentionally refused to write about my Boston qualification because I don't know what to feel about it. This goal, so amazing and glamorous that I would chase it for 10 years, became less than monumental less than a day after it was realized. When it was the future, a plan, a goal, I had a picture of how it would be to achieve it. I'd train hard and throw myself into it with the full support of the people I loved and who loved me. That sublime scene, painted on the canvas of my mind for years, was me finally throwing my full weight into pushing that stone up and over the hill, standing on top, glowing like the Oklahoma sunrise, feeling a self worth previously unbeknownst to me. I'd be that guy I always dreamed of becoming. It wasn't so much achieving it that would give me that feeling as much as putting in the work needed to achieve it. 
Crossing the line seeing the clock read 3 hours and 14 minutes felt so good. For a moment. Then I looked around and the first thing I noticed was how different the scene was in reality compared to how it had hung on the wall of my mind for all those years. The things that I lost, and the things I found, on the way to achieving it played heavily on my mind and I cried sobbing, uncontrollable tears of joy and pain. It took me a long time to pull myself together at that finish line. I'm honestly not sure I actually did pull everything together. I left so many things on that course and in those final inches. They fell out of me uncontrollably and I couldn't gather them all back into my heart because they scattered once they were free. And now I still struggle, wondering if I should have held them firm inside me against the winds of change or is it OK that they blew away? My future became my past, being now for only a few moments, and now neither seem recognizable to me. 
Truth is, I now feel very little about accomplishing the goal. It just doesn't hold the consequence I supposed it would. It just happened. My feelings about it now are that I'd like to run it again, not to achieve a goal but because it felt so damn good running that like I did!  A conservative runner by nature, normally putting in conservative miles early with the hope of saving my energy for the later miles, in this race I rejected that old way and put my cards on the table in the first mile. Fuck it, I told myself, if you're going to do this you have to run each mile as if it's the final mile of the race and each mile split is the goal time. Throwing myself across the buzzing of my watch like the final 100 meters. It was a mental game and a fight against the fear that resides in the next mile. There was no next mile. Only this mile I was running. I might fall off the pace but that was in the future and couldn't be considered. I ran this mile. And then the following mile. There was no future because it was unknown and full of fear for me. Then couldn't exist in the now; there wasn't room. The miles gone by were fixed and done and there was no future. It was the most free my soul has ever been.

Although my 10 year dream didn't materialize in the way I had envisioned, It taught me to embrace a new way of honoring the present with my best effort and keeping my sail filled with the positive mental wind that's blowing now. Let it push my boat away from the safety of the conservative shore of the past and not to worry about whether it will be there to bring me back. The trees on that shore are dead anyway. Enjoy the breeze in my face and the sun in my hair because that's all there is. 

The reality is that my goal didn't change, I changed.

Thanks for listening





Saturday, December 24, 2016

Christmas Eve

The smallest ember of hurt, landing upon the strongest bond can grow. Fed by mis, or no, communication and misunderstanding it turns the bond into fuel and sprouts a flame. Fed by fear the flame erupts into a fire spurring anger and hate until it becomes the funeral pyre of the bond.
This year has wrought so many things that spur our divisions. More anger, more hate, more fear is not the solution to any problem.
We're brothers and sisters in humanity at our core. Whatever ember fell on us this year please remember that all the things that divide us are only shadows cast on our view by the fire that started long ago by a small ember of hurt. You can look beyond the shadows for the bond that's still there if you will only try.
Person to person, race to race, community to community, country to country, it doesn't matter how small the first drop of understanding is that you put on the ember. Every ocean is filled with small drops.
Here's to hoping 2017 is a waterfall.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Just Run

Well folks we're down to it. The Tucson marathon is tomorrow where I'll try to finally qualify for Boston. I've done all the training. I hit every goal and made every run. There's nothing left to do now but run.
It's kinda fitting that I find myself in this position in my running life at this moment in time. I've done all I can do and now all I have left to do is run. No more effort or thought is needed or even could be beneficial. I've reached that point where it's time to stop training and planning and just do. Do what needs to be done and move through this point to the other side. I'll either qualify or I won't but I can't stay here on this side of trying any longer.
I'm surprisingly calm about it.
I'll move through this and see what's on the other side knowing that I can't control most of what happens. I'll put what I have out there for the world to see and find out how my hand plays against the house. This is not at all how I pictured this challenge would play out but if I've learned anything over the last months it's that I shouldn't try to control anything. When I do try it makes things much worse than I could ever imagine. So I'll let the universe play this one out and let things come and go; let people play their part on the stage, and try to enjoy the show. My next scene begins with the marathon tomorrow and the script isn't known to me but I've rehearsed in the best way I know how.

See you on the other side.

Thanks for listening.