Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Some demons

Some demons refuse to die. I've found that most demons that plague life will die away with only mere confrontation and acknowledgement if their existence. Some are a lot more ingrained into the soul and can't be done away with easily.

My hardcore demon is depression. I've confronted this guy in many ways but he always finds his way back to my life. 

Fact is, I'm struggling harder with him now than before. It's as if he's getting stronger and digging deeper into my souls like a parasite that gets stronger the longer he makes his home in the host. 
I wish I could put into words what depression is. It's more than a feeling, and it's more than physical discomfort. It's a synergy of both working together to infect your entire being. I suppose this is why neither just taking pills nor just talking things out helps. You're only defending one front while the enemy is surrounding you. 
Depression is also self-sustaining. It feeds on itself so that you get deeper into it just for being in it at all. Knowing you struggle with this problem makes you feel more depressed and broken which makes you fall deeper into its grasp. It is truly a son of a bitch demon! 
Here's a thought, realize you'll take a pill for the rest of your life because you're too weak to fight this thing yourself. Then realize this pill will only make you more dependent on the pills and weaker in the long run. Then realize that the pills will become less effective overtime and you'll probably have to up the dosage or take a second pill everyday. 
Mmmm, that'll cheer you right the fuck up huh?
Oh and then realize that most people (sometimes yourself included) just think you're emotionally weak and are taking the easy way out with medication. 
One part of me thinks that I'll beat this demon one day and I'll eventually be "normal". My rationale, engineering side thinks this is just another lie I'm telling myself. The cold hard fact is that this demon will kill me one day. I know it in that tiny part of me that stares into the cold hard face of reality. I suppose I should be happy that, through hard work and shear determination, I can hide the effects until those that need me no longer do anymore. 
Of course that path isn't set. No future is predetermined. Reality only applies in the current and any prediction made based upon that current state is merely a forecast with a chance of occurrence. An extrapolation on a variable graph. 
It's just as possible that this demon could die when those that need me no longer do. Could it be the thing that keeps me holding on is actually the cause of the thing putting me on the edge? Am I reacting to a reflection in a mirror of mirrors?
Until I figure these things out I'll keep writing and searching. Confronting is still my defense of choice. Get it out there, air it out and see if it can survive the light of day. 

Thanks for listening