Crossing the pond

Wednesday February 26th. “Are you still interested in an England job?”.

I thought about it overnight and early the next day I answered yes. Later that morning I sat at my desk working when my phone rang. By the end of that call I had a plane ticket to England. That’s how it started and on March 7th I took off from DFW to London.

I had a hundred reasons why picking up my live and moving it across the ocean was a bad idea. But I had one really good one. It felt right. 

I haven’t written publicly in a long time and that was on purpose. The last 4 years have been a roller coaster of emotions and happenings. Too many to discuss here and also, I don’t want or need to discuss them, they are mine and I’ll keep them to myself. But I will summarise a bit to bring you up to speed. Everything hurt and I was more alone than I’ve ever been. Thought that was bad but it turned out to be the best blessing I could have been given. Out of that pain I achieved some dreams and was forced to do things I never wanted to do. I lost some friends, but found the best one I’ve ever had. Me. 

I became real and vividly discovered all the aspects of my life that had been forced or faked. When there is no one left to act for you quickly wonder why you ever did that at all. I discovered that I loved my job and realised that even though it isn’t always obvious, what I do helps people. I realised I loved coaching runners and watching people work hard to achieve their goals. Simply put, I enjoy being a help to others. All my searching for other careers or passions was really an attempt to find that happiness I get from seeing others happy. I stopped searching for that in a million different ways and concentrated on making it happen through the things I’m good at. Do what you love and keep it simple. 

The last year has been the most content I’ve ever been. And I have never been content. Ive spent so much time ‘looking’ for contentment. I’ve spent so many years wavering, never been satisfied with anything. At some point, subconsciously, I just stopped looking and realised contentment was inside me. It was in my job. It was in my kids. It was in a weekend spent by myself running, having coffee, traveling, and just sitting with Willie. I could go to bed at 6 PM on a Saturday night and pull the covers over my head and watch a Civil War documentary or a Quantum Physics lecture and not feel like I was missing out on something better. That’s what I wanted and it was enough. I wish I could point to the moment I found it but I can’t. Sometime along the way it just happened and I looked around and realised everything I was doing made me happy and I could easily say no to the things that didn’t. That burning desire to always find the next thing that might satisfy my passion was gone. But gone isn’t the right word. It’s more that I had it. I had the passion. 
So I had my insides in order and my plane ticket to leave 2 weeks later. I had a house, a dog, a car, kids, and a million other things to worry about. But somehow I knew things would work out. I didn’t stress about those things. Ok, that’s maybe a lie, I did stress about starting a new job with people I didn’t know. But I didn’t freak out about how things would get by at home. I told the kids and they were both excited. My oldest son planned to move into my house and take care of it and willie. My youngest would come over to England once school was out. Everything fell into place quickly and easily. I knew this was right. It was to be my next chapter in life and maybe it was happening because I was now ready for it. I am the person I want to be and I am to be where I want to be. 

So here I sit looking out over the English Channel with a centuries old church behind me. It’s a beautiful sunny day and sailboats are coming in and going out of the harbour where I live now. We’re in the middle of a pandemic but the footpaths along the shore are full of people holding hands and just being outside. My new boss made me homemade bagels this morning and I ate them with some espresso while sitting on the waterfront quietly watching the waves roll in and out. I’m here for at least a year and am excited about all the travel I’m going to do once this pandemic passes. There are a million trails through old forests that I long to run and hundreds of new friends I haven’t met you. I’m completely alone but I’ve never felt so full and connected. 

Thanks for listening