Stress

I don't deal with it well.

The 24 hour race is tomorrow. I'm not running it but 2 of my favorite people in the world (besides the 2 little people who resemble me) are and I was very excited about helping them. I want to take care of every little detail for them so they can just show up and run the race. That was my goal but today I ended up being the one who had to be taken care of. Multiple problems arose that were beyond anyone's control and pushed me over that edge of having too many things to do at once and I lost it. I became a blabbering idiot and not a very nice person to be around. I just wanted so badly to take care of everything and it just wasn't going to happen today and I never found the strength to accept that and deal with it. I failed myself today not because I didn't do the things I wanted to accomplish but because I didn't deal with reality well.

I used to be able to deal with these things! But not anymore. No, not at all. No, no, no.

OK, so when I say I used to deal with stress well, it wasn't really me that was dealing with it, it was the medication I was taking that dealt with it. Actually it just made it so I never felt any stress. Wonderful stuff! That is until you realize you're not feeling ANYTHING anymore! No stress but also no emotion, no joy, no guilt, nothing, nada. Couldn't deal with that kind of living anymore so I got myself off them.

And now here I am. Stressed out and pinging off the freakin walls every time I have more than 2 things to do. And you know what? As sorry as I am for failing today, I can't help but be a little bit happy that I actually FELT something! It was real, it wasn't covered up, I FELT it! I don't like that I didn't handle it well but I felt it and I recognize that I felt it and I can learn from this. This is called living. I'm going to do more of it from now on I think.

Thanks for listening.

Comfort

Here I am sitting on my new back patio watching the birds that live in my shrub-like thingy (I'm not a plant person) that is growing all over my back fence. The birds have been nice enough to not care that I moved into their space. They go on with their bird activities without regard to my existence. I like that in a neighbor.

I saw that Starbuck's new theme is "take comfort in your rituals" and as much as I hate to give in to a marketing slogan, I have to admit that I can relate to this one. I'm finally back on a marathon training plan and have now had 2 good weeks of training and I am starting to feel like my old marathon running self. Things are a bit different on the outside now but inside I'm getting those old wonderful feelings of contentment that come from keeping to a running schedule. I never stopped running through the transitions of last year but it was more of an escape from things than a goal in itself.

What I really like (because I'm a complete sap) is that, even though things are completely different now, I can still make those old rituals fit into this new world. I see that as both progress and as a confirmation that those old feelings were real. I lost many of my behaviors (for the better in most cases) along the way but I have kept a few and I hold those few in high regard now. They are my treasures of life that I keep in a special place and, while I may forget about them during the trials of life, will always return to eventually. They are comfort.

I'm training for the Memphis marathon on December 4th. It's a hilly course from what I here so I'm not looking for a PR but most a return to good marathon running. Along the way I'll run the Tulsa Rt. 66 marathon in November as a training run. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for listening