Friday, October 22, 2010


I don't deal with it well.

The 24 hour race is tomorrow. I'm not running it but 2 of my favorite people in the world (besides the 2 little people who resemble me) are and I was very excited about helping them. I want to take care of every little detail for them so they can just show up and run the race. That was my goal but today I ended up being the one who had to be taken care of. Multiple problems arose that were beyond anyone's control and pushed me over that edge of having too many things to do at once and I lost it. I became a blabbering idiot and not a very nice person to be around. I just wanted so badly to take care of everything and it just wasn't going to happen today and I never found the strength to accept that and deal with it. I failed myself today not because I didn't do the things I wanted to accomplish but because I didn't deal with reality well.
I used to be able to deal with these things! But not anymore. No, not at all. No, no, no.

OK, so when I say I used to deal with stress well, it wasn't really me that was dealing with it, it was the medication I was taking that dealt with it. Actually it just made it so I never felt any stress. Wonderful stuff! That is until you realize you're not feeling ANYTHING anymore! No stress but also no emotion, no joy, no guilt, nothing, nada. Couldn't deal with that kind of living anymore so I got myself off them.

And now here I am. Stressed out and pinging off the freakin walls every time I have more than 2 things to do. And you know what? As sorry as I am for failing today, I can't help but be a little bit happy that I actually FELT something! It was real, it wasn't covered up, I FELT it! I don't like that I didn't handle it well but I felt it and I recognize that I felt it and I can learn from this. This is called living. I'm going to do more of it from now on I think.

Thanks for listening.


Meg said...

Pure honesty, I love it. It gives me a certain compassion for several people I know who are struggling with the same issues and I sometimes don't understand them at all. It's really not "them" at all. Thanks, Willie. Hang in there. Pain and frustration aren't comfortable feelings but they are NORMAL!

Aka Alice said...

Perhaps the more you are feeling stress, you'll know what it's going to feel like, you can anticipate it, and be able to manage it.

On the other hand, I'm a raving bitch when I've got too many things going on...not very nice at all...unless there's wine of course :-)

Hang in there.

misszippy said...

Tough stuff, no doubt. I hope just posting about it was somewhat cathartic. Here's to "destressing"!

keen said...

i sometimes feel the same way....

Terri said...

It's interesting that you mention using meds like that today. I just posted yesterday on my blog that I've started taking some. I feel like they are helping me somewhat, but it's only been two weeks so who knows if it's the right dosage or not?

Anyway, thank you for saying something about it on your blog. Helps to know I'm not alone in taking them, even if you aren't using them any longer.