The 24 hour race is tomorrow. I'm not running it but 2 of my favorite people in the world (besides the 2 little people who resemble me) are and I was very excited about helping them. I want to take care of every little detail for them so they can just show up and run the race. That was my goal but today I ended up being the one who had to be taken care of. Multiple problems arose that were beyond anyone's control and pushed me over that edge of having too many things to do at once and I lost it. I became a blabbering idiot and not a very nice person to be around. I just wanted so badly to take care of everything and it just wasn't going to happen today and I never found the strength to accept that and deal with it. I failed myself today not because I didn't do the things I wanted to accomplish but because I didn't deal with reality well.
I used to be able to deal with these things! But not anymore. No, not at all. No, no, no.
OK, so when I say I used to deal with stress well, it wasn't really me that was dealing with it, it was the medication I was taking that dealt with it. Actually it just made it so I never felt any stress. Wonderful stuff! That is until you realize you're not feeling ANYTHING anymore! No stress but also no emotion, no joy, no guilt, nothing, nada. Couldn't deal with that kind of living anymore so I got myself off them.
And now here I am. Stressed out and pinging off the freakin walls every time I have more than 2 things to do. And you know what? As sorry as I am for failing today, I can't help but be a little bit happy that I actually FELT something! It was real, it wasn't covered up, I FELT it! I don't like that I didn't handle it well but I felt it and I recognize that I felt it and I can learn from this. This is called living. I'm going to do more of it from now on I think.
Thanks for listening.