Some demons

Some demons refuse to die. I've found that most demons that plague life will die away with only mere confrontation and acknowledgement if their existence. Some are a lot more ingrained into the soul and can't be done away with easily.

My hardcore demon is depression. I've confronted this guy in many ways but he always finds his way back to my life. 

Fact is, I'm struggling harder with him now than before. It's as if he's getting stronger and digging deeper into my souls like a parasite that gets stronger the longer he makes his home in the host. 

I wish I could put into words what depression is. It's more than a feeling, and it's more than physical discomfort. It's a synergy of both working together to infect your entire being. I suppose this is why neither just taking pills nor just talking things out helps. You're only defending one front while the enemy is surrounding you. 

Depression is also self-sustaining. It feeds on itself so that you get deeper into it just for being in it at all. Knowing you struggle with this problem makes you feel more depressed and broken which makes you fall deeper into its grasp. It is truly a son of a bitch demon! 

Here's a thought, realize you'll take a pill for the rest of your life because you're too weak to fight this thing yourself. Then realize this pill will only make you more dependent on the pills and weaker in the long run. Then realize that the pills will become less effective overtime and you'll probably have to up the dosage or take a second pill everyday. 

Mmmm, that'll cheer you right the fuck up huh?

Oh and then realize that most people (sometimes yourself included) just think you're emotionally weak and are taking the easy way out with medication. 

One part of me thinks that I'll beat this demon one day and I'll eventually be "normal". My rationale, engineering side thinks this is just another lie I'm telling myself. The cold hard fact is that this demon will kill me one day. I know it in that tiny part of me that stares into the cold hard face of reality. I suppose I should be happy that, through hard work and shear determination, I can hide the effects until those that need me no longer do anymore. 

Of course that path isn't set. No future is predetermined. Reality only applies in the current and any prediction made based upon that current state is merely a forecast with a chance of occurrence. An extrapolation on a variable graph. 

It's just as possible that this demon could die when those that need me no longer do. Could it be the thing that keeps me holding on is actually the cause of the thing putting me on the edge? Am I reacting to a reflection in a mirror of mirrors?

Until I figure these things out I'll keep writing and searching. Confronting is still my defense of choice. Get it out there, air it out and see if it can survive the light of day. 

Thanks for listening 

Why

One of the long-lasting questions I've dealt with is why I write a blog. What motivates a person to write down their thoughts and share them with the world? Funny thing for me is that I don't really know and I haven't been able to isolate that piece of me that wants to do it.
The fact that I haven't written for awhile makes me take a look at this issue from the other side. Why haven't I been motivated to write? The answer to that may help me figure out many things.
When I look back at previous posts and think about the time at which they were written, I have to say that something was missing in me. Or maybe it was there and I just hadn't found it. I was definitely seeking something and I didn't know what it was. So does that mean I found it somewhere along the way? I'm not sure. Many things happened between then and now, some good, some bad, but I can't say that there was an "ah-ha" moment anytime. So I am thinking that instead of finding what was missing I merely grew up some and discovered little pieces of me that filled in some gaps. The writing was a tool that helped me do it.
Of course this would mean that my not writing now signifies that I don't need to grow anymore and that is far from true. I honest think I've just become lazy in my happiness. That burns me up because the me I want to be says that that is a fate worse than death. To be alive but not growing or discovering something new about yourself is horrible! Why be alive if that's the case?
The good thing is that another part of me says, "relax, you're still growing in other ways". I'm learning so many new things about other people in my life. I'm learning how to interact with those people in better ways. I'm discovering the beauty of this country we live in. I'm discovering the simple joys of creating things with my hands. So I'm growing outwardly instead of inwardly like I was when I started this blog. I think that's OK. Yeah, it's OK.
Another reason for writing this blog, one that I didn't realize at the time, is to give my kids a picture of who there father really was. I hope that one day they will stumble upon these ramblings and read them all from the beginning. I don't know what they will see in them. I know what I meant to convey but I can't be sure they'll see that and that's OK. They'll see me through their eyes and their experiences with me. These words may compliment those experiences or they may open up a view of their father they never knew. Either way, these words will be theirs one day when my words have stopped.
If that has happened and you're reading this now, know that I love you both and that you were the joy of my life. I was never perfect but you two brought me closer to it when you merged into my lane of life. Don't ever cry for me, laugh instead. Laugh out-loud and hard when you think of me.

Thanks for listening

Lonely

I'm lonely tonight.

Sometimes I feel that way for unexpected reasons. 

New lives

Sometimes your life changes because you want it to change. Those changes come with some kind of relief if not happiness. Something hoped for happens and your life goes in a new direction. Those are good changes.
Sometimes though, your life changes because of things out of your control. You're going along with your life, probably working towards one of those hoped for things, and WHAM! You're hit with a change. You didn't ask for it. Usually didn't want it. Sometimes even prayed it would never happen. But it does happen. Your life changes and you can't stop it or make it go away or make it not happen.

I'd give my life to give my mom back the man she loved and for her to see those things they'd work for come to fruition. I really would. But I can't. And she won't. And it hurts. And it sucks. And it's unfair. And, and, and.

I've preached the gospel of facing fears and defeating inner demons on this blog but it has always been in regards to those things that I know are holding me back and that I know I can control. What about facing those that I can't control? Or allowing those that I care about to face their fears and demons? That's tougher. I can't stand the thought of my family suffering pain or dealing with sorrow. I work so hard to make sure it never happens to them and I'd give myself to take away their pain.

But is that best for them? Is it proper for me to keep them from their fears and demons while I know, for me, facing them is beneficial and soul building?

This may be the hardest thing I have to learn. I shouldn't wish I could give my life for my mom's happiness. It's not fair to her. It's a horrible, unfair, painful, sucky change that she has to face. I'm only allowed to be here for her and help her through it.

Thanks for listening

Dealing with death

The man that I call my stepdad died yesterday. You would have liked him. He was one if those people that you wish everyone could be and he made it look easy. Niceness came naturally to him.

I'm more concerned with my mother, of course. They had many plans that are now never going to happen. He had just retired and she wasn't far behind. His death happened so fast I'm sure she's left lonely and empty. Death sucks for the living.

I handled the news as I handle most bad news. I ran. Then I ran again. Grieving isn't my strong suit. I'm a fixer of things and death is something I can't fix so it falls outside my expertise. Running and making jokes are how I deal with things I don't understand and can't fix.

I'll be headed back to Ohio soon for the services. I'll be running back in my old stomping ground with hills and memories. Always lots of fun.

According to my mom, When my stepdad died he was coughing and struggling in a painful state with his eyes closed. Then he was calm and peaceful and opened his eyes. He had a peaceful look on his face and was looking at the ceiling. Mom said it appeared as if he was looking at something that made him very happy. He then looked at her as if to say, "I wish you could see what I'm seeing!". And then he died.

My thoughts on death are a little weird but I've come to accept them now even if I don't fully understand them but mom's experience fit. I believe there is a God but not the God that American religion sells for profit. I believe the American Indian belief in the Everywhere Spirit was much closer to the true God. We are a part of the Earth and the Universe and our soul, if accepted by the spirit, remains a part of this world after we die. Maybe not on Earth and not in a human form but as a part of the eternal cycle of cosmos. This earthly body we inhabit is only one form of our being. 

I'm sad for so many reasons right now. It's part of living though and I know that. Barry has moved on and his soul is in a new place experiencing things I can't wait to see. We'll bind up the wounds of those left behind and move on in our own journey but it'll be different. Different doesn't have to be bad though.