Crossroads

I write this blog mainly as a diary to my boys. I hope one day after I'm one they will stumble upon it and find out who their dad really was back when they were growing up. So let me tell you both that right now your dad is coming out of some dark times. Mostly through my own actions, I've ruined some pretty good things that were in my life. Through this the universe has conspired to land me in a place where I have many choices.
I can chose to continue on the road I've been on. Stuburnly ignore the bad things that are occuring and charge forward towards the next destructive event. I'm not going to do this. Change is needed.
I want, with all my heart, to go back. Back to certain moments along my past and redo some things that hurt others and ulitmately hurt me. I know I can't do this. Some of those bridges are on fire and I could never get across them right now no matter how hard I try.
The only option is to go forward. But forward as a different person. Forward as someone who learns from this event and becomes better because of it. The sun will come up today and I will face the morning. How the day proceeds after that is in my hands. I'll take each day, each hour, each breathe as they come. The next moment may hurt or it may be good, I just don't know, but I have some control over how I react and even some control over how long that bad feeling lasts.
I have a friend who stubbornly refuses to be negative. It used to drive me crazy! I always thought they were ignoring reality and missing out on one side of life that, although bad, was important to feel. I'm learning now that there is no absolute reality, only the one you create. Pessimism comes from within me. Yes, negative things and people are in the world, but I don't have to dwell on them. There is no need to feel them any longer than it takes to get out of the moment. Optimism isn't ignoring reality, it's seeing the good. It's an active event.
I'm scared, hurt, sad, and almost sick from the events of late. But through all that maybe I can finally find me. The me that I've never known. I'm making changes, I'm setting goals, I'm looking for the good. I may fall apart in the next second but I will recover and get back on this course.
Boys, you have the power within you to make your world great. I've set a pessimistic example for you until now. Please know that I was wrong. I'm going to try now to change that. Not for anyone else other than me and, by example, you.

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