I have been learning so much about myself and moving forward in a good direction. It's not been a fun journey or one that I would recommend doing often, but it is necessary and I'm grateful that things worked out to give me this opportunity to grow.
Along the way I've regressed more times than I can remember but I have wonderful friends who I can lean on when I need a crutch. Again, so grateful for all the players in this situation.
Yesterday I had one of those frightful days when the floodgates of fear opened and I wasn't strong enough to hold it back. It scared me not only because of the waves of fear and anxiety that came and never seemed to end, but because I thought I was passed this. I thought I had put this kind of irrational emotion behind me. I was caught completely off guard and, of course, spent way too much time trying to analyze it and figure out, well basically WTF??
Then I went for a run tonight. A really hard interval run. In the beginning I was still fighting the fear and anxiety. As I pushed myself faster and faster, I found that my mind settled, my fear turned to calm. As I continued with the workout I found myself actually finding some confidence and emotional strength. The kind I'd had before yesterday. It wasn't gone! Then I realized that I hadn't run since Saturday and had let my diet fall to shit. I had a stomach bug on Monday and spent the day in bed. Basically I had become seditary. I hadn't given my body or spirit what it needed and the result was a fall into all the worst my mind could conjure up. There was nothing keeping me from falling.
This happens on a smaller scale in good times and it manifests as laziness and fatigue. In my current state it had ample fodder to build into an emotional storm of midwest spring magnitude.
Pushing the body and keeping it from getting down is more than just a physical need. For me it also keeps the soul stable. I need to remember this.
Thanks for listening.
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