Stress

I don't deal with it well.

The 24 hour race is tomorrow. I'm not running it but 2 of my favorite people in the world (besides the 2 little people who resemble me) are and I was very excited about helping them. I want to take care of every little detail for them so they can just show up and run the race. That was my goal but today I ended up being the one who had to be taken care of. Multiple problems arose that were beyond anyone's control and pushed me over that edge of having too many things to do at once and I lost it. I became a blabbering idiot and not a very nice person to be around. I just wanted so badly to take care of everything and it just wasn't going to happen today and I never found the strength to accept that and deal with it. I failed myself today not because I didn't do the things I wanted to accomplish but because I didn't deal with reality well.

I used to be able to deal with these things! But not anymore. No, not at all. No, no, no.

OK, so when I say I used to deal with stress well, it wasn't really me that was dealing with it, it was the medication I was taking that dealt with it. Actually it just made it so I never felt any stress. Wonderful stuff! That is until you realize you're not feeling ANYTHING anymore! No stress but also no emotion, no joy, no guilt, nothing, nada. Couldn't deal with that kind of living anymore so I got myself off them.

And now here I am. Stressed out and pinging off the freakin walls every time I have more than 2 things to do. And you know what? As sorry as I am for failing today, I can't help but be a little bit happy that I actually FELT something! It was real, it wasn't covered up, I FELT it! I don't like that I didn't handle it well but I felt it and I recognize that I felt it and I can learn from this. This is called living. I'm going to do more of it from now on I think.

Thanks for listening.

Comfort

Here I am sitting on my new back patio watching the birds that live in my shrub-like thingy (I'm not a plant person) that is growing all over my back fence. The birds have been nice enough to not care that I moved into their space. They go on with their bird activities without regard to my existence. I like that in a neighbor.

I saw that Starbuck's new theme is "take comfort in your rituals" and as much as I hate to give in to a marketing slogan, I have to admit that I can relate to this one. I'm finally back on a marathon training plan and have now had 2 good weeks of training and I am starting to feel like my old marathon running self. Things are a bit different on the outside now but inside I'm getting those old wonderful feelings of contentment that come from keeping to a running schedule. I never stopped running through the transitions of last year but it was more of an escape from things than a goal in itself.

What I really like (because I'm a complete sap) is that, even though things are completely different now, I can still make those old rituals fit into this new world. I see that as both progress and as a confirmation that those old feelings were real. I lost many of my behaviors (for the better in most cases) along the way but I have kept a few and I hold those few in high regard now. They are my treasures of life that I keep in a special place and, while I may forget about them during the trials of life, will always return to eventually. They are comfort.

I'm training for the Memphis marathon on December 4th. It's a hilly course from what I here so I'm not looking for a PR but most a return to good marathon running. Along the way I'll run the Tulsa Rt. 66 marathon in November as a training run. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for listening

Pride

The big one ran an Olympic distance triathlon last weekend. That's 1/2 mile swim, 24 mile bike, and a 10K run. Needless to say I was, and am, a very proud father.

I think what I was most proud of was that he hurt a little during the race. I'm always proud of him no matter what he does and I love it when he wins something. What I've been waiting to see is that look in his eyes that says he has earned something.


There's a big difference between winning and earning although the two can occur at the same time. So far in my son's young life I have only seen the winning. That's not to say he has won everything. I've seen his failures too but win or lose it was always something external to him it seemed. It wasn't something that he internalized or became epic to him. It was just something he did. The earning is something that I couldn't help him with. I could give him advice (although he rarely listened) on how to succeed or how to do his best but I couldn't help him get to that place where he worked for something meaningful to his inner soul and overcame the external obstacles and his own internal doubts to achieve a goal. No one can help him do that, he had to do it himself and it finally happened I think.






He is a wonderful kid and I want him to find himself and his inner strength. I hope this was the first step towards that.




Thanks for listening

Diet is important

I spent last week in upstate New York for work. Normally I would be writing to you about all the hills I ran and all the many miles I got in. Not this time.

This time Willie was a bad boy.

A very bad boy.

I was there 3 nights and I ate like crap and drank like a fish each and every night. Couple this with very little sleep (funny how the drinking and lack of sleep always go together) and I was a mess by the time I finally escaped back to Oklahoma.

No running for 5 days and nothing but crap for fuel make for a hesitant body prior to a 10 mile run. It was like dragging your dog out for a badly needed walk in the rain. They know they need to go but just won't step out the door. I convinced myself that I needed a bit of punishment for what I'd done and this shamed me out the door this morning to meet the group at 6 AM for 10 miles. I think I sweat beer and chicken wings all morning in the 85 degree weather. Yes, 85 degrees at 6 AM! It's F-ing hot here in Oklahoma.

I made the 10 miles at a pretty good pace which I attribute to 5 days of rest. It was good punishment and I accepted it like a cowering Catholic School boy doing his penance. I'm hoping this puts me back on track although I'm planning to take it easy for a few days to get back in the groove.

Thanks for listening

Back in the Saddle

Notice the cowboy reference in the title? Yeah, someone got on my bad side the other day by implying that I couldn't be a "man" because I took my son back-to-school shopping while my girlfriend mowed my yard. She likes to mow, I like to shop. BITE ME!

After San Francisco I've been hearing those old voices in my head. You know the ones that start up when you see pictures of a place in the world you've never been that go something like, "I wonder if they have a marathon there?". I even caught a news store the other day that said air fares were extremely low right now and I spent the next few hours trying to find a marathon at one of the cheap fare destinations. Currently I have marathons planned for October, November, and December but I'm desperate to find one in September because I'm afraid a 2 month break is too much! Basically.... I'M BACK! I have that itch again to run. I love it.

During my break from blogging I completely lost that itch to travel and run marathons and I was afraid it was a life change that would last. I try to accept those life changes and see them as not losing something but as gaining something new but it's still hard to chew. I love running marathons and traveling as much as I can but if you don't have the inner drive it because a horrible struggle and just not worth it.

I like being back. My wonderful running club has started their training for the fall marathons. They are only up to 8 miles for their long run but we had over 200 people show up at 6 AM yesterday! These things are growing every year and it's great to see and meet new people. I had a good 8 mile run with my old friends yesterday. Everything on my old body is working well and the heat makes it wonderful to run hard and get those endorphins flowing. I absolutely love finishing a run drenched in sweat to the point that it looks like you just got out of a pool. I don't particularly like my smell while sitting at Starbucks afterward though. Oh well, I suppose that's just part of the experience.

Thanks for listening

Share the Road: A Rant

I've taken all I can take and I just can't hold this rant in anymore. I know a lot of you are cyclists as well as runners so this may offend you but... Why do cyclists think they own every inch of pavement in the world?? And why are they such a-holes about it?

If I've seen you coming at me on your bike for the last hundred yards and have gotten out of your way you don't have the right to scream at me when you finally get your head out of you ass and looked up when you're 2 feet away. I'm sure you were surprised, but it wasn't my fault. That makes you an a-hole. Actually it makes you an arrogant a-hole.

If you're riding side-by-side with you buddy on a narrow trail where it's common for people to be riding and running in both directions it would be nice if one of you would move over when a running is coming the other way. You don't have to, I will move over to the grass to be sure I don't get tire makes up and down my body, but it would be nice.

I love that you yell "on your left" when you pass me. I really do. But please don't scream it and follow it with an insult to my mother. I'm just running I don't mean to piss you off with my presence.

I would never write complain about these things if they were isolated incidents. These three things have become common occurrences on my runs where cyclists are common. I like to think that I don't hold hard feelings towards anyone but I must admit that cyclists are not my favorite people. I've gotten to the point where I avoid them and don't like to be around them not just out on the roads. I hate that and I don't want to feel that way.

Thanks for listening

Finding that balance again

My running club kicked off their fall marathon training today and I didn't make it. It was only a 6 mile run but I still felt a little twinge of desire to be there with the group and get those miles with company. Since my life has changed I have found it increasingly difficult to make it out and run as much as I'd like. I will not complain about this because the reason, or reasons, I can't make it are my children. I love spending time with those 2 copies of me and I would always (and have always) choose them over a run any day.

In the past I've always had a balance between the two desires even if it was a stressful one. I didn't mind leaving the offspring for a few hours to run some miles because I knew I'd come back to them. Now I feel like I must be with them every minute they're here because there will soon be a time when they're not here. That not here time works well for getting those runs in but since it's summer I'm trying to have the kids over as much as possible so the lack of balance is an issue.

I'm not complaining about anything here, just expressing some feelings. I love my kids and I love running and the balance will come I'm sure.

Thanks for listening

Summer of the watermelon II

Where did I leave off... Oh yes, the expo. I'm poor now. That's the basic point here.

After the expo I set out on an expedition to find the San Francisco Whole Foods. I knew they had to have one since this was Mecca for Granola people and everyone knows Granola people love Whole Foods. I found one a few blocks from the expo and entered the bliss of breads, salads, wine, cheese, and every other wonderful thing that wonderful people can make from wonderful food raw materials. One day I've got to figure out how to do these things but for now I'll rely on Whole Foods and Little Caesars for sustenance.

Later that day, after a nap and some fantastic TV from the 3 channels I had in the Ritz, I was lucky enough to meet up with some fellow bloggers for dinner. It was great to see Penny again and I also got to meet AKA Alice and Meg Runs! Total score for meeting wonderful people! We had a great dinner and I laughed very hard the entire night. It's funny how I've become comfortable meeting bloggers since that first time I met Penny. I was so nervous that night I couldn't speak and now I actually look forward to it. Bloggers are wonderful people.















I got to bed late that night after what was probably my 2nd taxi ride ever. Yes, I'm a sheltered person. Sue me, I like the subway!

Race morning came quickly and I was up and in my Landrunner shirt before 5AM. I was supposed to meet RBR and Penny at 5:15 somewhere near the bag drop. I was a little late. RBR was as gracious as ever in her texts asking where the #$%^ I was! She's has such a way with words. I love that about her. I always learn some new way to offend people when I see her. I have considered bringing a notebook or a recorder. She is such a wonderful teacher.

There was a bit of confusion about which wave we were in. Ok, so we knew which wave we were supposed to be in but we didn't want to be in that wave. Do you see the problem. SUPPOSED and WANT. Those two words have always caused me problems. We did eventually end up in our assigned wave which started somewhere near San Jose. No kidding we were in the very last wave. That's what happens when you register the day before the race. After having done this for many, many races I feel that I should get a preferred starting spot because I paid more to be in this race than 90% of the other entries. Just a thought.
I ran with RBR and another friend who had come out from OKC to run this race at the last minute also. Did you catch that? I RAN WITH RBR. Yep, that's right, after last years confusion that mistakenly forced me to accidentally leave her after only 25 feet, I actually ran with her this year. For awhile. We caught AKA Alice as we were approaching the bridge and RBR left me for better company. All in all, I'd say we ran 15-16 miles together. Yeah, that sounds right...

The Golden Gate was as beautiful as ever and it still hasn't gotten old running across it. I still got goosebumps when we ran out on it. It's just such a great thing to be out there in the traffic lanes running between the Pacific and the bay. In true 80's lingo, it's way cool dude!

I continued to run with my friend from OKC until 13 miles where I decided to see if I could pick up the pace and run a great negative split. I had many reasons for this but the most compelling one was to finally run the second half strong. I've always struggled on the second half because the hills beat me up so much on the first half that I just have nothing left for the last miles. I was also completely committed to looking at mile 24 through 26 and giving it the finger! Last year those miles completely destroyed me. Absolutely my worst 2 miles of running ever and I was going to get my revenge.

I was able to pick up the pace a little but I still held back for awhile because I wanted to finish stronger. I wasn't wearing Paula so I don't know what pace I was running but it felt good and strong and that was all I wanted that day. Time was not a factor for me, all I wanted was that good feeling of finishing a marathon with strength and I was doing it. No walls, no deep emotional dips, no bent-over trudging along. Running with my head up and back straight with some dignity.

Mile 24 came along and I looked in it's #%$(ing eye and gave it the finger. That mile has haunted me for a year now. It was the symbol of how I saw myself and how I felt. I needed to put it back in it's place; make it just another single mile of the 26.2 I could run. I did this that day.

If mile 24-26 of last year's San Francisco marathon were the representation of how I felt for the last year then mile 26.2 of this year's marathon has to be the symbol for this year. I crossed the finish line with strength and my head up. I didn't raise my hands in celebration as I normally do but I looked around and took in the moment with the respect that this course and the trials of life that it represents deserves. It was a good year.

Thanks for listening

Summer of the watermelon

Hello world.

It's been quite awhile since I've last put pixel to LCD and to be honest I'm a little scared. I fear that I've lost the ability to communicate my thoughts using this forum and that whatever I write from here on out will be rubbish. I want so badly to write something eloquent and meaningful.

Then I remembered that all I really have to do is write what's on my mind. Relieve that pressure that's been building between my ears by putting thoughts out for the world (OK, so maybe just for the few of you left reading this blog) to read. That will be fine.

So last week I got the word that I would be heading to California for work. It was a last minute thing but I always enjoy going to California so I don't mind the short notice. My first idea, once my travel arrangements were made, was to text my good friend Penny and see if she could meet me on the LA beaches for a run. I usually get to stay one night near the LA airport which is just a short hop from the beach and the wonderful, star-laden, beach front walky-runny sidewalk thingy (technical term).

Penny quickly replies that she would love to but will be in San Francisco all weekend. Bummer! Oh wait, isn't there a marathon in San Francisco soon? THERE IS! In fact it's this weekend and that's why Penny is up there! I'm quick like that you see.

This was on Monday and I was leaving on Wednesday for LA. Somewhere between getting to California and spending 2 long days in the dry desert sun, I changed my return flight origin from LA to SFO, bought a ticket from LA to San Francisco ($67! Score!!!) for Saturday, and began the search for a hotel room. The hotel always takes longer because I didn't want to get a car (driving in San Francisco SUCKS!!!, ask RBR) so I had to stay somewhere near the starting line and I didn't want to spend $1000 a night. Eventually I took a chance on a hotel 1.5 miles from the start that was offering a $65 a night rate. That's frighteningly cheap. I was frightened, but figured it was just for 2 nights and it was just me so what the heck.

Once I had everything arranged, I finally took a step back and realized I had to actually run a marathon in a couple days. I hadn't done that in awhile, in fact, I hadn't run more than 13 miles since fall! Crap, this might hurt. My mind took over though and I remembered that I'm bullet-proof. That helps with situations like this.

I made it to San Francisco on Saturday and discovered my hotel was wonderfully old and classy. I don't suppose most people would like it but I immediately fell in love with it's old, 50's era charm. I had my own bathroom and the bed was comfy. I even enjoyed the ride in the very old elevator. Everything about the place screamed that this is where Willie belongs.

I spent some time and huge amounts of money at the Expo. I decided since this was my 3rd year running this race I should probably have some memorabilia from it.

I'm going to finish this tomorrow.... Goodnight everyone. It feels good to be back writing.

Thanks for listening

Vacation

So I'm on vacation now officially. My toes have touched sand and my ass has been in the ocean.

After spending 2 days in the car driving across Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina, I decided that I should get a long run in as soon as possible to stave off atrophy in my legs.

I set out on a 12 mile run up the beach-side road at 6 AM while my kids were still asleep. It was quiet and lonely and lovely. A nice easy run that my legs were aching to do. They seemed to have a great desire for every step. So much better than sitting still for 10 hours a day. I didn't see many other runners at first so I had time to get my mind settled and make it concentrate on nothing but the task of putting one foot in front of the other.

Eventually I came upon a wonderful man who I ran with for a few miles. When I say ran with, what I really mean is that we ran beside each other. He with his headphones on and me with my mind clear and disinterested. After a few miles, I began to wonder about this man. I wondered what his story was. Was he a resident of this island or was he also a visitor? My mind eventually gave up the wondering and began to make up his story for him. His name was Henry and he was a Korean war veteran (didn't look old enough for WWII). He was here on vacation with his wife, Audrey. They had been high school sweethearts, been married forever and raised 4 kids. He worked as a pipeline repairman in the oil fields of Texas since he returned from the war. Retirement is looming and he was deep in thought about what he was going to do with the rest of his life and how he and Audrey were going to spend their golden years. His oldest boy, Lyle, ran his own business in Iowa and had invited Henry to come up and help him run the company. This appealed to Henry because he wasn't sure how long he could survive just sitting around East Texas with nothing to do. Iowa wasn't his first choice in retirement locations however and he was apprehensive about working so closely with his son. The weight of this decision and the weight of the years of hard work showed in his running style. Leaning slightly forward, looking almost bent over, he shuffled along at a good pace but it looked labored. He liked running for the feeling of accomplishment it gave him when a good run was finished. He got little satisfaction from his work lately and desperately sought that worthy feeling any way he could nowadays.

So I had this entire story written after only a few miles. I never spoke to this man. Mostly because I didn't want to bother him and partly because I didn't want to find out the truth about him and ruin my story.

On the way back, I noticed a street that ended at the ocean-front. The funny thing I noticed about this street was that it was named "West Summer". I'm at the Atlantic Ocean and this road ended at the ocean front. West Summer? Where the heck is East Summer, Africa? You can't more East in the United States than the Atlantic Ocean. I supposed there was someone running up the African coast by "East Summer" road and wondering the same thing.

I'll be at the beach for the next few days.

Thanks for listening