Saturday, January 24, 2009

Welcome to the show

Camera opens on a cheering crowd

Oprah walks on stage

"Today on the Oprah show we will be talking to people who live in a state of self deception. People who spend their whole lives living in a false reality that they have created for themselves. People who can time and time again look at a decision, know the good and bad of each option, and yet somehow always pick the bad option."

"How do they justify that?"
"How do they come to these conclusions?"
"How do their brains work?"
"Can they ever fit into normal society?"
"These are the questions we hope to answer on today's show."

Oprah sits

"First up is Willie, Please help me welcome him to the show"

Out walks a confused, bald, elderly man as the crowd lightly applauds

"So, Willie, tell us a little about your problem"

"Um, your producer told me this show was about hard-working people who overcome great odds to accomplish their goals?!"

"Yes our show is about people who live in their own little worlds of self-deception"

"No, you see, they said I could share stories about how I run through injuries and how I never let little problems bother me"

"Yes, exactly, your ability to fool yourself into thinking your actually something special by doing, well, forgive me, but STUPID things"

"Um, that's not exactly how I see what I'm doing"

"Exactly and we want to know how you can think that way, glad you finally get the point here, now tell us a little about your current situation. You're having a problem with your knee?"

"Um, well, aren't you supposed to be nice? I always thought you were nice? You were nice to Tom Cruise and he's a freak??"

"The knee Willie! tell us about the knee"

"Well I'm having this pain in my knee for about 3 weeks now. I don't think it's a big issue, it just hurts when I run. I figured it would go away after awhile but it hasn't. So instead of not running I'm trying to work through it because I've got marathons planned all year and I can't stop my training. You know Tom really is crazy right?"

"So let me get this straight, you're a runner and you're injured?"

"Well yes, but I wouldn't say I'm injured, I just have a minor pain in my knee when I run. It's nothing really."

"I also understand you saw a doctor about this and he said it would take 4 weeks to heal and you shouldn't run while it's healing?"

"No, no, no, he said I COULD run as long as it didn't hurt."

"So does it hurt when you run?"

"Well, yes"

"But you're still running?"

"Well, yes"

"So explain that to me, I don't understand, seems pretty clear to me that you should stop running until it doesn't hurt? What am I missing here?"

"The doctor said I shouldn't run if it hurt. So I'm trying to find a way to run where it doesn't hurt. I'm currently trying to take Ibuprofen to ease the pain when I run. I'm also running slower and trying different ways of wrapping my knee to try and get rid of the pain. It's really not that hard to understand, I'm following my doctors orders. Not like Tom, he really needs a doctor, maybe team of doctor's."

"You really believe that line of crap that you just spouted off to me? You know that's NOT what you're doctor meant right? If it hurts, STOP RUNNING. Period. Don't you think that you'll be hurting your long-term running if you try to run through this? Why would you risk that? It's only 4 weeks? My goodness, I could follow a diet for that long, that's nothing. Don't you think of those things?"

"Of course I do, Oprah, but you're looking at this wrong. I'm not really hurt, it's more of a distraction, and plus, I'm being strong and tough by not giving in to this distraction. It's not going to beat me! I'm tougher than that, I only stop for real injuries."

"And what would a 'real' injury be?"

"Oh, I don't know, loosing a leg maybe, bullet holes, you know, possibly a broken leg but only if it was a real break and not just a small fracture. Things like that would make me consider not running."

"Forgive me for saying this but you sound like a child!! I've interviewed 2 year olds that are more mature than you! You are just an overgrown child who thinks he's unbreakable. Most people grow out of that kind of thinking by the time they hit their twenties, you're almost 40 and you still think like this?? Wow!"

"Tom believes in aliens"

"Do you really think anyone is impressed with you're, so called, toughness? All you're doing is making a fool of yourself and possibly causing more damage to yourself. And for what purpose? You're own distorted vision of yourself as some kind of tough guy? You know that everyone thinks you're a fool right? Not just a fool, but a childish fool, they actually lose respect for you because of this kind of behavior."

"Tom wears tinfoil on his head when no one is looking"

"You are such a child and I feel dumber for having talked to you, I apologize to my audience for this black-hole of intellectual thought I put them through. I thought we might get some insight into someone who has a unique look on life but all-in-all we got a look into an overgrown child who refuses to accept reality and justifies his self destructive behavior by twisting the situation to fit his own idea of reality"

"Wow, I do all that? Check me out! I'm not sure what all that means but it sounds like there's more to me than I thought. Look at me, I'm deep!! Who knew? Take that Tom! You suck, I've got deep shit going on in here, your just a freak."

"Please turn off his mic and go to commercial. NOW!"

Thanks for listening


Middle-of-the-Pack Girl said...

Oh, Willie, I absolutely love your imagination and your blog. I'm so glad Penny turned me onto it. All the points about Tom really made me laugh, considering I was "in love" with him until he turned into, as you say, a freak (job.)

You know you're hurt, just give it time and then you can get back out there again, probably even stronger.

Calyx Meredith said...

Bwa ha ha!! Water snarfled all over my screen. (Tom wears tinfoil on his head when no one's looking?! Cracked me up!!) They should seriously develop a drug for runners who aren't allowed to run because so many of them can't handle it! Please take care of yourself now (it's January!) because you don't want to miss the whole year!

JenZen said...

Love, LOVED the narrative. Heee... Tom IS crazy. OK, #1 LAY OFF THE KNEE!! Don't make me come to OK and beeyotch slap you! Seriously, even just one week of complete rest will do wonders and you won't lose any traing ground. Just sit on your ass already! #2 - ice that baby every night and elevate (if you're swelling at all). Sleep with a pillow under it at night again to help swelling. #3-if you insist on using it a lot, brace, wrap, coddle, baby that sucker. Treat it like the delicate flower it is. #4 - invest in Sportcreme (sp?). Can be found at Walgreens and works wonders for pain. Aleve has nothing on my knee pain but Sportcreme does wonders for some reason. Ok, I'm done now. :)