Sunday, September 28, 2008

Fate, Human Frailty and Inner Demons

I got back from the race last night REALLY late so I didn't get up and run with the training group this morning. I did get a call from a friend who wanted to run 16 and agreed to wait until late morning to go. So I forced myself out of bed with a stuffed up head and tired, well, everything and went. Is Beer, chips, a giant Turkey leg, more beer, peanuts, more beer, McDonalds hamburgers, and just about everything else that symbolizes evil to the running community, a good way to prepare for 16 miles in the hot mid-day sun? Yea, me neither, but I made it. 

We made 10 miles hitting 8:04 per mile very consistently which I am very proud of. The next 6 miles weren't anything to write home about. It was hot, really hot and I struggled. I was also tired and worn out from lack of sleep. I ate like crap yesterday and sat in the sun without drinking water. But you know what? I made it, damn it I made it and that should be worth something to someone. 

Garmin says we only slowed to about 8:30's but it felt like I was crawling. I was so tired and sore. I could feel the sunburn on my shoulders and I needed water really bad. The funny thing is that those 6 will do more good for me than the first 10! I firmly believe that you don't start making money in this sport until it starts to really hurt. Everything leading up to that is what you CAN do. Everything after that is something you thought you COULDN'T do a few moments before. That's where I want to get. That zone where you achieve something, where you use those dormant strengths that just sit around most of the time. I wish I could find those things and use them without the initial effort. I wish they didn't hide so far down deep that it takes a monumental effort to get them to come up and play. But then again, they wouldn't mean so much if they did. 

Those times are defining moments. You can step up to them or you can back down. No one will know either way, it's not about external pride. For me, if I back down a small part of me dies. When I look fate in the eye and give up, he wins and I lose. I had the chance to change fate and I didn't so my life continues the way it's planned and I have no control over it. BUT when I step up and overcome the odds I regain that control and my future is unlimited, unplanned. For that moment I have beat fate and I have taken a turn off the road lain out for me and set my own course.

Tin Cup is on Encore right now! My goodness this could be a biography for me. Is it bad when you can't understand the humor in scenes in a movie that are supposed to be so sarcastic or out-of-the ordinary? Hell that's not funny, that's my life, that's the way I think!! Maybe I am screwed up but it's me, that's Willie, chocked full of inner demons and human frailty. "The word normal and him don't often collide in the same sentence"....


Reese said...

Wow, waxing philosophic after NASCAR and a 16 mile run. Kind of like the word normal and Willie, they don't often colide in the same blog.

Southbay Girl said...

Cut yourself some slack young man! You had a wonderful day with your son-who cares if you ate crap and drank beer! Everyone needs a day like that! It doesn't make you any less a runner or athlete-it makes you human and a dad-because that' what you were yesterday a DAD!!! And I bet your son had a blast!! And then you got up and ran 16 miles-dude seriously, I have no motivation right now-I'd say you have enough for you, me, my running partner and anyone else!!! You ran 16 miles after spending all day baking in the sun with your son eating and drinking crap! I'd say that's pretty super human!! I would have barfed!

Sarah said...

WOW!!! Freaking awesome humbling post! You dug deep, beyond the beer and bad food, found those kickin' mental barbs and pushed your butt to the end. I am SO PROUD of you Willie! Way to go!

You just gave me an extra dose of adrenaline and motivation.

Awesome!!! It's like a Nike commercial or something. :)